Cuddy's Diary
by ImagineTheChange
Summary: Cuddy's feelings about event on HOUSE. We don't get to hear her side very often, so this could be a good insight on her feelings to do with House and other characters. Thankyou to the reviews. Much appreciated and taken into context. :
1. Chapter 1

A million things manage to run through my clutter of a mind when I think of _House_...

_Jerk._

_Asshole._

_Great doctor._

**Love **_of my life._

Here I go again...

My head used to _stomp_ my heart,

Now I can't _even _reason with it.

It has gone into overdrive,

Pushed all of my feeling out into the open

Everyone knows why I hired House. He is a 'great doctor' and I got him 'cheap'.

Truth is, no-one can handle him like I can. He is an intolerable teenage boy with wildering hormones.

**Cocky**? Extremely. One of his charming traits if I were to put it lightly...

He wants what he wants whenever he wants it.

It makes me so _angry_.

Why can't he be like everybody else...follow the rules?

A great doctor comes with a _few _flaws.

In his case, _many_.

The thing is...Whenever he was around me, or kissed me.

**I froze.**

I forgot how to _breathe_.

I can't breathe.

But all I can do is wait for him to come rescue me.


	2. Chapter 2

It's just no fun anymore...

When did it all stop being a game?

When did it _start_ being a game?

I _don't_ love you.

I don't want to be with someone like him...

Then why do I keep cutting pieces out of me to be _p e r f e c t_ for him?

I don't do anything for me anymore...I do it all for him, for _Lucas_.

**But**

In the end it is all supposed to be worth it, right?

Well then, what if it isn't?

I am the Catalyst.

It all started because of me.

Why do I choose the ones that are _easy_ but I don't _love_?

Why do I _fall_ for the ones I _can't _have?

In the end I push them all away.

And...

**I'm alone.**


	3. Chapter 3

It's _complicated._

I have heard those words so many times that if I hear them one more time I am going to

**e x p l o d e**

But it doesn't have to be...

Boy likes girl, girl likes boy = _happiness_

You would think strength and comfort would be _enough_. Enough to _keep_ you mine.

But it keeps getting **harder and harder** to tell you how_ I_ feel.

I would do anything to be yours.

It's completely **idiotic **and** irrational**.

You think it is hard for _you_, House, to say _how _you feel?

What about me and _my _feelings?

It's _not_ always about _**you.**_

I **can't **tell you.

I am **scared **you will run away when I tell you how much I _need_ you.

I love you.

And it _**scares **__the living hell_ out of me.


	4. Chapter 4

[Thankyou very much to the lovely people that have read my work. Much appreciated. ]

He is always **under my skin**.

Not in the good way either.

But it _felt_ so right...

Would I r_eally_ be able to oversee House's vicodin detox?

It's **not** if I _want _to, because I do on some level. It's _if_ I would be **able **to handle it.

Is he mad? Not like his usual witty, un-comedic self. But actually out-of-his-mind mad?

**Or am I mad for wanting to save a juvenile delinquent like House?**

I told him something today, something I thought I would **never** hear myself say...

I didn't say I _love_ him.

Or

I **don't** love him.

I went to the place where it _hurt._

I lied.

I _wasn't _in his endocrinology class.

But is that such a _bad_ thing? Such a _**terrible lie**_?

After all...everybody lies.


	5. Chapter 5

I _knew_ it.

As soon as it started happening.

The conquest began innocently enough.

My hearts escapades, _quietly_ divulging in sweet, sweet desires.

He was like a drug, my own vicadin.

It was bad..._really_ bad.

He was a **fallacious** man, but to me this trait of his was _clandestine_.

I was so naive.

I would never admit it though, _never._

All I could do was take the _recommended_ dosage of him.

Otherwise...

**House** would be the overdose.


	6. Chapter 6

**Come back**

_That is all I ask of you_

I feel so ashamed that this is the end of _us_...

I have a **sick** feeling in my stomach because I can breathe...

When I was with you I _couldn't,_ and that was **normal** for me...

I feel like I am in a **locked cage**.

The silent banshee in me _screeching_ through my blue lips.

I didn't lose the key to my sanity, I am clutching it.

I am just _so blinded_ by pain and hatred that I can no-longer feel the **blood-stained tears** drizzling down my cheeks.

But _you_ told me to **hold on**.

I _obliged_, like a silly little school girl...

& I got **hurt** like one too.

I didn't fasten my seatbelt, I kept my hands in the air.

Why does _everything_ have to be so hard?

We had **so much fun...**

You could have been the one.

_You_ said you were...

You said **you** loved me.

Then it all happened at once.

I am corrupted!

Have I always been like this?

_Did you corrupt me?_

WITH YOUR LIES? WITH YOUR DECIEVING?

My strength is fading.

I won't be **okay...**

Your making me fall.

I am beneath this earth.

But you no-longer will have to see my blood-stained tears.

**You won't have to see me again.**


	7. Chapter 7

Thankyou to everybody who have recently reviewed, I appreciate it a lot. Even scrutinizing reviews help me too! So keep 'em coming.

It is no use...

I saw it happening, so_ slowly_, but I was clandestine.

I couldn't move my arms, my legs; it was as if I was locked in some kind of glass chamber.

**He kissed me.**

It was so soft, so delicate.

Coming from a man like him.

From the other time we kissed, it was _soothing._

But, I know it cannot last.

It will be the same monotonous cycle.

You see, we cannot be **happy or love each other** if we don't hate each other.

I don't _know_ what it is...but something inside me has taken **c o n t r o l.**

He is the love of my life, I know that.

But that doesn't mean we _will _be together forever, right?


	8. Chapter 8

Bold font means that is a memory from the past, whilst italics is what is being thought after it. This is what Cuddy is thinking after the case 'Humpty Dumpty'.

_**Dr. House: Your guilt. It's perverse, and it makes you a crappy doctor. It also makes you okay at what you do.  
Dr. Cuddy: You figure a perverted sense of guilt makes me a good boss?  
Dr. House: Now, would the world be a better place if people never felt guilty? Makes sex better. [Pointing to Stacy] Should have seen her in the last months of our relationship. Lot of guilt. Lot of screaming. I know this wasn't just because it was your roof. Cuddy... you see the world as it is, and you see the world as it could be. What you don't see is what everybody else sees: the giant, gaping chasm in between.  
Dr. Cuddy: House, I'm not naive. I realize—  
Dr. House: If you did, you never would have hired me. You're not happy unless things are just right. Which means two things: you're a good boss, and you'll never be happy. By the way why does everyone think that you and I had sex? Think there could be something to it? [Shrugs]**_

_Maybe House is right, maybe I will never be happy._

_It certainly feels like it, and in the end House is always right…always._

_Around House, things are never right, but I am happy. In some weird, twisted way._

_Everything in my life seems to be so screwed up and condescending._

_He says I would never have hired him._

_Why do I only question myself and everything to do with my life only when he says I am wrong?_

_Do I think he is right on some level…about everything?_

_Why do I care so much about what he has to say?_

_I am not a crappy doctor, I'm just a crabby doctor._

_Ugh! How can he get me so worked up about meaningless crap?_

_Why do I stay up late at night thinking about what he thinks about me, it's not like I am in love with him._

_I can't be._

_This is irrelevant to my point._

_Why am I talking to myself? God, I have gone crazy._

_I am more like House than I could have imagined._

_I am going to end up miserable, with no-one._

_At least I will be a good doctor…_

_I can never be a good boss if I am happy, and I can never be happy if I am a good boss._

_But still, the guilt-free sex may be worth it._


End file.
